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 Humor ... the lighter side
 A good pun is its own reword
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kacinpa
Male Advanced Member
802 Posts
[Mentor]


Lansdale, PA
USA

Triumph

Sprint GT

Posted - 05/28/2013 :  3:38 PM
I can't believe I am posting on this thread.

I hope these make you all groan and roll your eyes as much as the rest have done to me!


A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."
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scottrnelson
Advanced Member
6943 Posts
[Mentor]


Meridian, ID
USA

Honda

XR650L, 790 Adv R

Posted - 05/31/2013 :  9:13 AM
I can't seem to manage one a day as originally planned. So I'm trying to average one a day.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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scottrnelson
Advanced Member
6943 Posts
[Mentor]


Meridian, ID
USA

Honda

XR650L, 790 Adv R

Posted - 06/04/2013 :  8:13 AM
Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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scottrnelson
Advanced Member
6943 Posts
[Mentor]


Meridian, ID
USA

Honda

XR650L, 790 Adv R

Posted - 06/09/2013 :  9:33 AM
(Here are the rest of them from my collection. I'm all pulled out.)

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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AKRefugee
Male Standard Member
132 Posts


Charlotte, NC
USA

Yamaha

Venture

Posted - 06/27/2013 :  1:01 PM
An eye Doctor in Dutch Harbor Alaska is an Optical Aleutian
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Windwalker
Male Standard Member
111 Posts


San Jose, California
USA

Suzuki

Bandit 1200S

Peer Review: 1

Posted - 07/29/2013 :  9:54 AM
This thread is Scott's fault, so even if he has run out of jokes, he still has to read these. It is a fitting 'pun'ishment.

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
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scottrnelson
Advanced Member
6943 Posts
[Mentor]


Meridian, ID
USA

Honda

XR650L, 790 Adv R

Posted - 07/29/2013 :  10:08 AM
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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aidanspa
Male Advanced Member
1740 Posts
[Mentor]


Omaha, NE
USA

Harley-Davidson

Road King

Posted - 08/17/2013 :  8:19 PM
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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radan2
Male Advanced Member
1117 Posts
[Mentor]


Jacksonville, NC
USA

Moto Guzzi

2007 Breva V750 ie

Posted - 08/18/2013 :  6:50 AM
quote:
Originally posted by scottrnelson

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.



I think you left a lot out of this story.
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scottrnelson
Advanced Member
6943 Posts
[Mentor]


Meridian, ID
USA

Honda

XR650L, 790 Adv R

Posted - 12/03/2013 :  11:49 AM
Found a few more to add to this one:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
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gymnast
Moderator
4260 Posts
[Mentor]


Meridian, Idaho
USA

Harley-Davidson

Sportster Sport

Posted - 12/03/2013 :  12:26 PM
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
> under his arm and says:
> "A beer please, and one for the road."

and

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
> accident. He shouted,
> "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
> replied, "I know you
> can't - I've cut off your arms!"

and,

And finally, there was the person who sent
> twenty different puns to
> his friends, with the hope that at least 1 in ten of
> the puns would make
> them
> laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Mikeydude
Male Advanced Member
745 Posts
[Mentor]


Ft. Worth, Texas
USA

Harley-Davidson

03 FXD Super Glide

Posted - 12/03/2013 :  3:39 PM
How do you pronounce the capitol of Texas - hew ston or how ston?








Neither - It's Austin.
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